Being on Fire and not letting it show.... my prayer to our Heavenly Father

Morning fellow webnaughts! I know that isn't a real word but this is the web I can make it up.  And since I have no followers it can be coined by someone else and I can never prove I used it first! Actually I cannot even prove that it has not been used before I just typed it.  But I digress, that is not the reason for this entry anyway. This morning came like most others.. too early, the youngest went to bed late, tossed and turned and insisted I sleep on her bed and for the sake of getting even a small amount of shut eye, I did.

This turn of events usually leaves me tired and a bit cranky and it is even worse if this occurs and then I am awakened by the sound of children arguing or worse throwing last night's popcorn at each other. So began my Sunday morning, the day I would like to worship and feel like my Savior can look down and say "I am well pleased".  However, to me it feels like He would be more likely to say "what? I died for this behavior?" Let me elaborate... my two tween grand kids spent the night and my 7yo asked them this morning if they were going to go to church.  They replied no. So child of all knowledge runs to my DH and announces that they are not going to go so she isn't either.

He enters the kitchen where I am washing dishes trying to get lost in my thoughts and find a way to either get them home so we can go or stay with them or convince them to go.  He looks at me with what I perceive as disgust and starts in on how he doesn't appreciate us making that decision and that they shouldn't be tearing our family apart.  Meaning that one should not stay home and cater to them.  I looked at him and said I am just trying to find 5 minutes of peace by myself right now to think.  He stormed out of the room and returned in about 5 minutes to ask what the plan was.  I let him know I had no plan.  Again he leaves the room angry.

These are the times when I don't want to go to church with or without him. Yet a quick silent prayer to my Lord and the words to encourage the kids came out and everyone except DH got into the car to be on time for service.  DH, I think forgot that we don't have a car that can hold all of us. So off we went and waited for him to catch up.  Once there I was able to keep my answers soft (that alone might qualify as a small miracle) and in the end all the kids were happy they went. The oldest had made her argument that no one likes her and the other kids are mean when she goes to church but thankfully even she said it was, and I quote, Pretty good this time!

Most of the main service seemed to  focus on whether or not you are letting your light shine.  I can remember my first love for God.  How I didn't care what anyone thought and also couldn't understand why they wouldn't want what I had found..

But then life continued and over time, so subtly I didn't even notice, my fire seemed to be hidden by the kids, the drama of this life and friends whom I was sure would find the Savior soon seemed to block the rays of His love that I thought were so wonderful!

The season of life I am in now causes me to struggle with depression every day.  I have so much to be thankful for that it makes no sense.  My husband tries hard to do everything himself never asking for outside help when it comes to car repairs, house building or anything like that.  I my depression only allows me to see that we are making little to no progress on finishing a 20+ year house building effort... I should be seeing how blessed I am that he continues to try despite 7 years worth of surgeries and 10 kids to juggle the needs of.  And although the roof may leak and appliances and furnaces break on a regular basis.. we still have a home!  

Oh Heavenly Father allow me to count my blessings one by one and let my light shine, for you meet my every need even though, like the people Moses led through the wilderness, I complain and you still provide.  Thank you Lord.