It is breakfast time... where is the pantry?

 New routines are not usually dementia friendly. In fact, if you want to see dementia show up "unexpectedly", change a person's routine or better yet, rearrange a room on them. For example, move the pantry. Of course, I am just playing about moving the pantry, most folks cannot do that. Can you imagine the distress that could cause? I can. This past holiday, I did that theoretically. On the morning of the fourth I changed up the routine for DH, yes on purpose, no not to cause trouble.

We had planned to barbecue and have SIL over for the day as this is her favorite holiday

Attachments on top right corner shelf

. There were a few last-minute things that I needed to get, and I thought it best if I went instead of sending DH. I gave him the news when he woke up. Disappointment registered on his face very quickly. I did explain that this would allow him time to grind the meat that he wanted to grind, and I could get exactly what I needed without him having to guess what my desires really were.

A half an hour into the exit time I received a call, actually four calls plus four to my daughter's phone. My oldest daughter went with me, you would think that we spend a whole lot of time together. Not so much, even though her new home is parked in my yard, we really don't see each other every day. Back to the calls, I took the youngest child with me so there was a lot of conversation going on in the car. I did not hear my phone ring, buzz or vibrate at all. When my daughter finally heard her phone, he had called three times. She answered on the fourth call.

His dilemma? He could not find the grinder attachment to fix the meat up. I stated it was in the pantry. "Pantry?! What pantry?" This left me a little baffled. The pantry has not moved. He wanted to know when we "got a pantry". The attachments to the Kitchen Aid mixer have been in the same place for over a year. I also keep them in their original boxes with the picture of the item facing the shelf edge. After some back-and-forth banter about whether we even had a pantry, he did locate the attachment, he was looking for.

Pantry

I have been encouraged to not go back to work, not have SIL move back home, not do this, not do that, and frankly it does all make sense. It is just that my heart breaks when I see either of them struggle with the day to day thought processes. I feel like I can serve them better if they are both here in my reach. Yet, I know having the time apart from the craziness is also very beneficial. I am going to start keeping a handwritten log of the "statements" that are made by the two adults that are struggling. Perhaps that would give me more perspective, or at least some insight.

When I ask the outsiders that are looking in, whether in person or through statements that I volunteer, the answer is generally the same. Most recommend short day visits, mostly to a neutral territory. One thing I have noticed, and it may be coincidental, is that if I go one day without visiting, she has a "fall", or becomes "unresponsive", or any number of other "behaviors" occurs. Now I do also think that the "falls" could in part, be caused by the fact that staff gives the meds and then leaves her to her own devices, whereas I put her in her jammies, make sure she toilets, and then tuck her in. Or at the very least I put her into her recliner and put on some music. Most of the more extreme behaviors only occur if she is left more than a day without family contact.

On Friday, I arrived to take her out to dinner, therapy was there so we were 30 minutes delayed trying to leave. Also, my son had car issues on Thursday night during a flash flood, so he needed to go out to the house to borrow a car. With everyone loaded up we headed out east to get a car. I had left the youngest at my other daughter's house to play. On arriving out east there was time to see the fifth wheel, the new truck, the future "cottage", ride the tricycle, and visit with some of the old vehicles in the yard. All of this requires supervision and hands-on assistance. When it was time to go out to eat, she was confused. Why were we leaving? To go out to eat. I am staying the night now. No, that is tomorrow night. She was already prepping to not go home.

Eventually she got into the car. We went to the sandwich shop and sat waiting on our order almost 45 minutes. This gave dementia time to brew. It was clear that my best course of action was to give her meds and return her to the facility. This I tried. And tried. It took me and two caregivers to get her through the door. She was angry, hurt and very adamant that she was not going to stay in this "place". I did not even get to put her to bed. I went home defeated and exhausted. A phone call to check on her assured me that she settled down and was doing fine. 

On Saturday, I did not go and pick her up for the weekend. I did not go visit. There were things to make ready for her to be able to stay and I did not get them done. The struggle was real. My granddaughter called to say she couldn't go take care of putting SIL to bed. I told her not to go this weekend I would handle it. Deep down I figured SIL would try to jail break. She has been watching the staff enter the code on the door when we leave. She is not able to make the connections at times, but other times... look out!

Am I delusional to think I can handle her at home? Yes, I am. My heart breaks to leave her alone with strangers and even with others who are not, but due to dementia become just that in a moment. I will close as it is Sunday morning and I have things to get ready for the morning. Yes, today I will go visit. I don't know if we will leave the facility. If we do, I do not think I will bring her out to the house.