Sadness...Overwhelmed... Stressed... Grateful

This week I was informed that my Uncle Kenny passed away. The call came after a very hectic, few days. My mind was numb. The news came from my mom. She and I always held him close in our hearts. We lost touch over the years as happens so often. The last few months he has been on my mind more often than not but reaching out just didn't happen. He was the youngest of the four kids, 3 boys, 1 girl. My mom was crying as she spoke of her shock at the news and the fact that she found out through a Facebook post. 

Her heart was broken that no one called. I, however, failed to be shocked. There has never been two-way communication with that branch of the family tree. If I called Uncle Kenny, we would talk and enjoy visiting over the phone. After they moved out of Michigan, I think they came back to visit a time or two, but we never made it to visit them. By the time, I was out on my own and it never crossed my mind to "visit" them.

The last time I spoke to him for any length of time I had four kiddos and I was still trying to process my parents' messy split-up, the bad choices I had made over the years and life in general. You would think I would have been over it by that time in life, but not so much. 

For the most part, it was probably none of my business. I say this because there were many times my mother let me know it wasn't. By the time high school rolled around I was terribly caught up in the fact that I wasn't allowed any information on my other parent. My high school sweetheart saw my pain and he found him. He gave me the phone number. It is a bit of a blur in my memory, but I do remember calling the number at some point. 

The voice on the other end assured me I had the wrong number. She and her husband only have the three children and they were all right there with her. She wished me well and the best of luck locating my parent. I never called the number again.

Ricky tried hard to be what I needed, but in the end, we had several forces working against us without even knowing it. We never married. I still have my regrets but we both went on to have wonderful families. 

I digress, Flash forward at least 8 years, I called my Uncle Kenny to catch up on life, I guess. We got on the subject of my dad and how I didn't understand why it needed to be such a secret. We also talked of that phone call. I complained that I didn't even know if he was alive. Uncle Kenny said he was indeed alive. I asked why he never spoke of him to me. He then told me after the split my mom made him promise he would never tell us kids where our dad was. I was taken aback, I think. 

He then stated that he told her he would promise to never bring it up, but if we asked him, he would never lie to us. With guilt ridden curiosity, I asked for the information. At 28 years old I still felt massive amounts of guilt in wanting to communicate with my dad. On top of that guilt, I piled on more guilt for involving the one person who still let us be part of his life. The rest of my dad's family had little to nothing to do with us as a whole.

My dad was the first of the three brothers to pass from this life. It hit me very hard. We had re-established a relationship and the kids and I had been to visit him at his home in California and then when he moved to Arkansas. When we first made contact by phone, he put his wife on to talk. The voice rang through loud and clear. It was the same voice that had denied me access to him 10 years earlier.

Ricky had found him, and she had taken him away again. Now death made it permanent. The next to go as far as I know was his brother "Duke". That was just this past summer. Again, no notification from anyone in my dad's family. My younger sister, the daughter of the woman who denied me access, had found out and had let me know. Sadly this "uncle" lived less than 100 miles from me at my current home... for years. I tried to contact him when my dad had passed away, but again nothing but silence.

Alas, this is all melodramatic and such is my life. I will miss the fact that the option to contact Uncle Kenny is gone, but I cherish the memories he gave me and his loyalty to the "outcast" members of the family (us). I reached out to my cousin Kelly through Facebook round about. Basically, by going through my sister-in-law's page and searching her friends. My Aunt Karen nor Uncle Kenny had any contact listed, but their daughter Kelly was there.

With all the antics going on at my house the stress level for me is over the top. I am overwhelmed, yet still not ready to place SIL in the hands of others to care for her. I am grateful for my other SIL who graciously shared my Aunt Karen's address so I can at least send my condolences. 

Why do I continue to keep my distance from relatives who exist? Why did I not trust in the relationship that Ricky and I could have had? Why do I even ponder these things in my sixties when nothing can be changed? Who knows and better yet who cares? With that I will close for today and hope the holidays are a blessing for those I know and love. And others too.

Resolution? Communicate.